Hillary Clinton Made Me Cry

Warning: Sappy, highly personal commentary ahead. Read at your own risk.

Hillary Clinton's speech at the Democratic National Convention last night brought tears to my eyes several times. Even today, as I shared lunch with my husband, I could hardly talk about the speech without getting choked up.

I wish I could say exactly what brought the rush of emotion over me. It's a combination of factors, not all of which I'm completely aware. For her part, Clinton was so strong...and passionate...and compassionate...and gracious. I imagine the feminist part of me felt sad that women missed a win by "just that much." I also felt pride. And I felt sadness. A part of me felt a little like I'm wasting my life doing what I already know how to do and thinking that someday I'll do something deeply meaningful. I suppose at 41 I felt loss for not having done anything great - and being nowhere close to doing so. For letting fear rule me. And I was sad that I thought I couldn't share any of these feelings with anyone in my world because I somehow believe, whether fairly or not, that my family and colleagues will only see the politics and not the person. The person in Hillary or Nila.

I understand. I have myself deluded. I walk through life wearing an increasingly thin cloak of deception. I go about living in my conservative, Christian day-to-day world and keep my progressive, humanistic and spiritual thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes to myself. I rationalize that I do it out of respect. But I know it is more out of fear. Fear that these people in my daily world won't love me - or love me as much - and that I'll be alone. I feat that I'll be told I'm wrong and won't have the words to defend my own position. But, I see the threads wearing through just a little more each year of my life. Still, I feel this sense of loneliness. Clearly, I choose loneliness I know over the loneliness I fear.

This blog and my willingness to begin sharing it within my world, particularly this post, is my attempt to pull at the threads of that cloak. To say, "hey, this is Nila." And, then I hang on hoping that tomorrow looks like a much better version of today.

What I wonder: How many out there keep their true selves so very private because they believe doing otherwise will lose them jobs, business, friends, family, love, property, etc.?